HIV tests are more positive than that guy
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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