My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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