My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
