Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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