so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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