Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
