I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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