I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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