im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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