his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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