so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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