Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
