I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
