Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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