community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
