Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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