happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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