if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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