you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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