had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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