you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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