I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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