She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
