I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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