i permit you to call me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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