Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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