Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
