Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Duck Duck Cougar?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
