She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
