i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
