She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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