I puked a lego.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
