looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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