I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
