my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
