Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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