Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
