the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
