i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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