I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
