Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
