you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
