Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
