I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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