omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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