Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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