I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
