Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
