I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Randomize
