Dude my mom stole all your condoms
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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