that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
