the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
