My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
