I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
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Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
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i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug