I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
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Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.