Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.