Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk