i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..