those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
