maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
