I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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