So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
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So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
where are my eyebrows?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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