No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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