the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
